So our friend, the chav boy that did have a nice haircut but now ruined it got married last year. His other half wanted to get married in May, as it was 2 weeks after his mothers marriage and a month before his brothers wedding, and a week after joint friends wedding. nice timing twatface,
Anyho, they got engaged on the Christmas Eve 2015, another highly original idea from them and exchanged rings a couple of months later when they got delivered from china, now this couple only one of them works, in retail, so not a great paying job, but at least he has a job, chav boy doesn’t work but has a rich dad, so rich dad said he would pay for the wedding as long as they do it within reason.
Now you would think that 2 gay guys would be the best people ever to organise a wedding, well think again, they knew nothing, they are not the most outgoing couple anyway, so we said if they needed a hand let us know and we would help out. But they said they were fine. No issues.
I have said in the past that’s there’s a lovely community building on the cliff overlooking Bournemouth beach and it be a great location for a party, so chav lad found out that they do weddings there, and it was booked for May 8th 2016. We had also said about a terrific festival theme wedding we went to where they had a fish and chip van turn up, so chav lad booked a fish and chip van, I did think about saying we were invited to a lovely wedding in New York at the plaza and it was all paid for including first class flights, but they ignored me on that one.
That was sort of the last thing we heard until about 2 weeks before the wedding, when chav lad and geek lad popped round one evening, they asked if we could help out on a couple of bits, at this point I was kicking Kev mouthing a big NO to him, but it didn’t get through to him, so Kev said yes no worries what do you want us to do, not much said chav boy. Just decorations, music, drink, table seating, photography, entertainment, wedding cars, desserts, chocolate fountain, invitations, and the wedding toast drinks.
After a very very long and boring evening, chav lad said he would do a few bits, so he arranged the photographer, bar, cake, entertainment and the wedding cars, now! They decided to arrive separately in Mercedes, no idea why, they didn’t need the cars as no one saw them turn up, the photographer charged £2800 for being there from 8am till 8pm to see the bride get ready, we did ask why and apparently it was the only deal he had, it’s not, cause we spoke to him a lot at the wedding. The bar charged a minimum of £800, 40 people were invited, it was a Sunday so half of them were either driving and had work the next day, in the end chav lad dad paid for a free bar. The entertainment was releasing a few doves after the service. The cake was free though, geek lad auntie makes them as a hobby.
Chav lads mum had started making and buying decorations so we said great, that’s not needed any more, but they said she’s only done a few bits, and don’t know what colours she was doing, so we had no idea what to work with, geek lad dad gave them £1000 to go towards the wedding as they were about to get married themselves they didn’t have time to help out, they gave us £100 for decorations including helium balloons, they split the rest and chav lad bought a 2nd hand van.
God know how we done it, but we did. Chav lad wasn’t even going to buy a new suit, he wanted to wear trousers, shirt (untucked) and no tie, then he wanted to get changed into his trackies afterwards.
So the day came and it was a warm day, perfect setting, Kev had gone there early to help set up, I went with a couple of joint friends who’s wedding was a week before hand. So we turned up, Kev he done a great job, chav lad and geek lad were no where in site, my photographer was a very good looking bloke, I kept on asking if he wanted a photo of himself, maybe with his shirt undone, he was a great bloke and we stayed with him as the rest of the wedding party were quite frankly fucking weird.
All chairs were arranged outside facing the beach hut, due to laws the wedding had to be inside but we were allowed to sit outside. No one saw the same pensive Mercedes they ordered, but they were both wearing matching suits, in surprised they had enough material.
No one heard a word from the service, we had to choose a song for them as they couldn’t decide in the end, well they said what’s the point? Then all chairs were moved inside, the doves were released, I was in hiding at that point as I have a fear of birds of they get near me. Bar ran out of drinks, so I only 2 mojitos, i wanted to get pissed. Fish and chip van was lovely, the desserts were lovely, the speeches were just like any old wedding speech, and then the DJ started. A few people danced, but to be honest, there was no room. Chav lad had gone home to put on his trackies and he was missing for about 2 hours. We knew they had to be out of the beach hut by 10pm, so we left at 9pm as we knew we be the ones helping to clear up and tidy up, and Kev had been there since 8am.
Kev and I and our friends who had given me a lift went back home via McDonald’s, and we had a laugh, it was so exhausting, we were all knackered. The newly weds had a week of work, well one of them did as the other one didn’t work, didn’t go away or even stayed away on their wedding night, as they would of had to pay that themselves. And why pay to sleep somewhere when they could just go home.
As a gay man I am ashamed of that wedding, it really doesn’t show us in a good light, and as for the happy married couple? They are still together, don’t talk, no sex, chav lad is seeing his chav ex on the side. I asked them the other day why they got married, and their answer was everyone else was getting married and we felt left out.
We met no new friend on that day, we even delayed a holiday so we could go, but if Mr photographer man ever wants to take a few photos of me, I be happy to pose like one his French girls.